I’ve always wanted to be a superhero.

Now, I know what you’re thinking…superheroes aren’t real…but in my world, they are. Sidekicks are too. And we all know every powerful superhero needs a strong sidekick. I even named my childhood teddy Super Bear, which is how badly I wanted to be super. I always wished that things wouldn’t phase me in the way that they did, instead, I would defeat obstacles with my super powers. I know it’s not that easy and I know it’s more complicated than that, but a girl can dream—right? I am always amazed by people around me that seem to be untouched by criticism or impervious to judgment. When people say, “oh I don’t let other people bother me,” I truly can’t fathom what that would be like. I am often told that I am too sensitive—and sometimes that is probably true. But other times, I really like to think it’s not. In a very twisted way, I think it is something that makes me special. I do, however, wish I didn’t cry so much…that would be nice! I swear sometimes it is like the floodgates to Niagara are open before I even realize something upset me. 

See, the thing is, my heart has always been easily overwhelmed. Whether it was falling too quickly for the wrong guy, or feeling too deeply for a stranger, my heart could never quite handle itself. I always found my heart sinking down into my gut gasping for air as I struggled to stay afloat of my emotions. Sometimes I cherish my sensitive soul, but other times I really just want to be superwoman. This season of life is one of those times. I really, truly, desperately just want to be heroic.

I’m in a new job that requires a LOT of brainpower. Some that I have, the rest I borrow from generous coworkers willing to lend a hand to the new girl. The hard part though, is that I really wish I didn’t need the handout. I’m five months in and I wish I knew everything by now… I mean 152 days is enough to conquer the world, right? WRONG. Dead wrong. And let me tell you, that message rings loud and clear every single day. Defeat after defeat, failure after failure.

            I am in a walk of life that is difficult to define. I am still technically in the beginning phase of my professional career and yet I feel knee deep in the chaos of it all. I am not married, do not have kids, and yet I feel like there aren’t enough hours in the day to attack all of my responsibilities head on. I know I must sound pathetic to some of you who juggle a family of 5 but I promise I am being genuine when I admit that I am overwhelmed. I know that it is a matter of perspective and I know that it will get easier over time but I also know I am not alone when it comes to this feeling. I hear it all of the time, “I would love to but I am too busy” or “if I had more time, I’d be there.” It makes me question the type of life we are living, but that is a much heftier question than I am willing to tackle today.

As I sit and look out my window I catch sight of the giant tree which just months ago was ablaze with purple, red, and orange leaves that had made their decent to the ground. The forking branches have now been covered in a thick sheet of snow weighing them down. A glimmer of sunlight is starting to melt the top layer and I for a moment I can envision what it will be like when Spring arrives. Spring is a time for fresh starts, new life and bountiful renewal. I know one thing for sure, and it is that I am going to take full advantage of this Spring season. I am going to allow the winter coat of fear and anxiety in this new job cast off of me like a snake shedding its skin. 

But until that first day of Spring, I will cry my authentic Niagara Falls tears and hug the bear I have had since I was a child, letting him be super for me. Plus, I know I have you ladies as my sidekicks, and that’s really all I need.

Beat that, Marvel!